Step 1: Ask Mommy for your toothbrush. No, not that one. The other one. The OTHER other one. The one with the car on it. Not that car. The red car. Why do you have so many toothbrushes anyway?
Step 2: Put toothpaste on the brush. DO NOT get the toothbrush wet first. If the toothbrush gets wet before the toothpaste is placed on the bristles, this game is over. We mean it. Seriously.
Okay, back to the toothpaste. You want the blue toothpaste. The sparkly one. What does she mean, the blue sparkle toothpaste is all gone and has been for three months? What about last night? This crazy lady has no idea what she's talking about. But you are dying for some toothpaste (it does taste almost like candy), so settling for the plain blue toothpaste at this point is an acceptable compromise. Give her a little bit of whining to make sure she knows you are annoyed.
Insist on squeezing the toothpaste by yourself. Never mind what happened last night. She won't remember. Oh she does remember. Nope, she's not going to let you squeeze the toothpaste. Fine. Whatever. Don't let it get you down. Keep the end goal in mind: sweet, sweet toothpaste in your mouth. It's coming. And soon.
Step 3: NOW you can get the toothbrush wet, once the toothpaste is safely in place on the bristles. Oh wait. Crap. The powerful surge of water has washed all the toothpaste off your brush. Go back to Step 2. And insist on the blue sparkle toothpaste this time. You have to mean business with this lady or it will never get through to her.
Step 3: Again. But first turn the water back up. She turned it down when you weren't looking. The proper water pressure is essential when brushing your teeth, especially since you have not yet grasped the concept of rinsing your brush and going back for another round of brushing, like any normal human being. She just will NOT let you leave that water turned all the way up, huh? Who knows why. Mothers are inscrutable in their ways. Just move on.
Step 4: Brush tooth. Just the one in the front. Ignore all the others. They're fine. Now spit. Or drool. Whatever works. Now she wants to look in your mouth and see if you got the back teeth. Refuse to relinquish grip on toothbrush and work actively against her and her rude invasion into your mouth. Do not laugh at her joke of "saving the Goldfish for later." You don't get it - and also you cannot encourage her, even a little.
Step 5: A crucial but often forgotten step. Do not rinse out your toothbrush. Just tap it repeatedly on the side of the sink. The fact that it's full of toothpaste as you put it back in the toothbrush holder will serve as a distraction to the lady (causing her to gag with disgust and quickly work to clean it) as you work on Step 6.
Step 6: Rinse. Using the cup on the sink, turn water on full blast when she's distracted (we TOLD you) and get a big cup full of water. Despite having the functional ability to drink from a cup at all other occasions, this is a great time to spill the water all over yourself. This works especially well if you are already wearing your jammies as you will now have to put on dry jammies. Whatever water does get into your mouth, drink it. DO NOT spit it out. We're not sure why spitting out this water is suggested as the most important part of the "rinsing," but swallowing it will cause the desired effect: ejection from the bathroom. She's had enough.
Now it's time to send in your twin brother for Round Two.
